Posted by: smithy | August 29, 2008

Delaware Joe and the Temple of the Great Obamacus

In our first episode, Delaware Joe (Biden) rescues the lost Ark of the Covenant from a U.S. government warehouse. This feat of daring, ingenuity, and bravery is even greater than the mighty deeds of Indiana Jones, who, in order to obtain the Ark, faced and overcame: poisonous snakes; a very angry, long lost sweetheart with a mean punch; a ruthless, backstabbing French colleague; hordes of rampaging Nazis; and the wrath of Almighty God. Delaware Joe, on the other hand, faced tens of millions of pieces of government paperwork; hundreds of thousands of bureaucrats seeking compliance with rules no one understands; tens of thousands of angry trial lawyers and enviornmentalists filing lawsuits; chanting hordes of atheists led by Dan Rather shouting: “The Ark doesn’t exist, so don’t show us any fakes;” and last, but not least, the wrath of the Almighty Federal Government. In spite of trials that make those in the Book of Job look like a day in a kindergarten, Delaware Joe prevailed. A grateful nation is considering rewarding Delaware Joe by giving him either a series of graphic novels (comic books) based on his life, a movie based on his adventures, or a starring role on his own TV show. If he’s really lucky, he’ll not only get all three, but also email from the lovely Scarlett Johansson.

Now, Delaware Joe faces his greatest challenge: The Temple of The Great Obamacus. It begins as Delaware Joe is returning to his powerful Senate seat in the disguise of loquacious, mild-mannered Joe Biden. Crowds of ordinary citizens are standing around his Senate office holding hands and singing in gratitude for the rescue of the Ark: “We love ya Joe, Kumbaya. We love ya Joe, Kumbaya.” Joe, truly moved by this genuine display of emotion, gives a speech that lasts for fourteen days. Remember, I did say Joe was loquacious.

Upon entering his Senate office, Joe is grabbed and briefed by his staff on a national emergency: A dangerous new cult has arisen within the Democratic party. Rather than behaving as Democrats normally do — worshiping Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Gaia, Global Warming, or the glories of sacrificing your possesions for the greater collective (not Borg, just Big Government) — these New Democrats have begun to act as if possessed, endlessly chanting mindless slogans: “Yes, we can” or “We are the ones the world has been waiting for.” Some of the mindless ones have changed their middle name to Hussein (which is a popular name among those who attacked us on 911), and using the fingers of both their right and left hand make a symbol of a big O (see picture above), which they use in greeting each other. (Some have mockingly suggested that the big O is referring to either Oprah or great orgasms.) These are the followers of the Great Obamacus, and they have been given the name Obamatons — mindless robots of the Great Obamacus — by those whose minds are still whole and free.

Joe, having been a daring man of action in the Senate for the last 36 years, decides that only by confronting the Great Obamacus in his holy temple can he save his party and our country from a deadly peril. Upon entering the temple, Delaware Joe meets the High Priestess of the Great Obamacus; the wealthy, talented but slightly spacey Oprah.

“Why seek ye an audience with the Great Obamacus?” asks Oprah. “Do ye not know that I’ve already proclaimed him to be the One, the One?

“Yes,” replies a soothing Delaware Joe. “I seek a private audience to behold the One for myself. Seeing, after all, is believing.”

“Ye are a man filled with truthiness,” says Oprah. “Ye may enter to see and worship the One, the One.”

Delaware Joe steps deeper into the temple and meets the Prophetess Michelle Obamacus. “This is the first time that I’m really proud of my country,” says the Prophetess.

“Yours is an amazing story; only in this country is a story like yours possible,” replies Delaware Joe.

We will not allow the people to go back to their ordinary lives,” proclaims the Prophetess. “We have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken.”

“I seek a private audience to behold the One for myself,” replies Delaware Joe.

“You may enter and receive your enlightenment,” says a confident Prophetess.

Stepping forward Delaware Joe comes face-to-face with the Great Obamacus. “Joe, you’ve finally decided to endorse me for POTUS,” says a smug Great Obamacus.

“I’m here to be POTUS myself, and to protect my fellow citizens from being turned into your mindless zombies,” replies a determined Delaware Joe.

You have no idea what you’re up against,” says a smug Great Obamacus. “Join me Delaware Joe; you have no idea of the power of the Id.”

“Id, Id, Id! What’s an Id?” asks a plainly confused Delaware Joe.

“The Id is an obsolete term for the unconscious mind,” lectures a pedantic Great Obamacus. “I can not only tap into the unconscious mind of an individual, but, with some difficulty, the collective unconscious mind of an entire country. Under the right circumstances, I could tap into the collective unconscious of all the minds on planet Earth.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” boasts Delaware Joe. “In previous adventures I’ve fought with Light Sabers; I’ve terminated man-eating battle droids; and I singlehandedly defeated Jabba, the Pizza Hutt.” (Ed. note: We can’t verify any of these stories.)

“You’re immune to the power of the Pizza Hutt,” says a thoughtful Great Obamacus.

“Jabba and I had a contest where we each ate 100 Superlarge Pizza Hutt pizzas with all the toppings, including extra jalapenos and anchovies. Jabba turned a very dark green and died soon after catching a whiff of my superpowered jalapenos-anchovy breath.”

“Impressive!” says a slightly sneering Great Obamacus. “Joe, I have room in my organization for a man like you. How would you like to be my second in command? Your first duty will consist of worshipping me for an hour in the morning, afternoon and evening. The rest of the time you’ll carry out my commands and be worshipped by my followers as my chief disciple.”

“I’ll be worshiped?” asks an eager Delaware Joe.

“Oh, yes!! I am the Light that falls from Heaven, but, as a reflection of my Light, my followers will worship you too,” says a supremely smug Great Obamacus.

“What about my dream of becoming POTUS?” asks a hesitant Delaware Joe.

“All in good time,” says the Great Obamacus. “POTUS is my stepping stone to world domination. After all, I shouldn’t waste my greatness on only one country; I’m a citizen of the world. Remember this: Today America, tomorrow the world. Once I’m in control of this planet, I’ll gladly make you my POTUS. Even that is only the beginning, my ultimate goal is control of a Galactic Empire.”

“It’s all very, very tempting,” answers a wavering Joe. “But what about the people who elected me?”

“It’s time to face reality, Joe,” says the Great Obamacus with a voice dripping in phony compassion. “You stopped caring about the interests of the voters along time ago, didn’t you?”

“You’re right,” says a defeated Joe. “I’ve only been in it only for myself for a very long time. How do I sign up?”

“Using all the fingers on both of your hands make the big O, and then place the O on your forehead. This will give me a pathway into your unconscious mind.” Joe does as the Great Obamacus instructed him to do. After a moment’s pause, the Great Obamacus asks: “How do you feel, Joe?”

“Yes, we can,” says an enthusiastic Joe.

“We ARE the ones the world has been waiting for,” replies a supremely smug Great Obamacus.

Vote Republican in 2008
Save Our Country From The Great Obamacus

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